Lather, rinse, repeat.

From Then to Now

Much of my exploration of sexuality and relationships has been an exercise in discarding assumptions and misconceptions adopted in my childhood and formative years.

While I was aware of dating, I had no idea how it worked. I was a hardcore computer nerd and had few friends who didn’t share my interests. In my early teen years, I discovered pornography and internet chat and mostly satisfied myself exploring both straight and gay porn, and (incredibly drab in hindsight) cybersex. I was lonely, horny, and completely socially inept. I looked on several opportunities that presented themselves in my junior high and high school years with utmost suspicion and feared I was being tricked.

I “dated” once or twice in my school years, never kissing anyone or being kissed. The dates consisted of an awkward, emotionless trip to the movies, little said afterward. I confessed my love once in the form of a letter for my then best-friend, and she expressed hers back. Neither of us acted beyond that point. I beat myself up over that for years.

For about 5 years after high school I didn’t spend much time on relationships. I ogled and creeped out a few girls in that time, I’m sure. In spite of having come out about my bisexuality to my family in my teen years, I essentially ignored my feelings about men in the interest of acceptance by otherwise good friends who I knew to be homophobic. I had a notion that life would be harder if I were outwardly bisexual so for all intents and purposes I played it straight. There was some flirtation during this time with long-distance relationships, but nothing significant or lasting.

While working in retail, I met my first adult love interest. She had a bubbly personality, dominating presence, and a no-nonsense attitude. She made the moves and I happily played along, falling very quickly head-over-heels. Shortly after, she broke things off realizing that this wasn’t the dynamic she was after. I got friend-laddered. For 3 years I tortured myself pining over her, hanging out with her and her boyfriends, holding out hope for a resurrection of her feelings for me. I was a retard.

Eventually, it happened that we were both single, lonely, and with little action from me I lost my virginity to her and we went to something more. It was amazing for a time; for a month or two we were on the same page, enjoying each other’s company and living with no expectations. She still wanted a friend/cuddle buddy with benefits and I was still set in my goal of a relationship leading to marriage. She agreed to try and this led to moving in together and an incredibly toxic year-long relationship wherein I completely lost my identity. It ended in a pseudo-breakup which neither of us was actually willing to pull the trigger on. I continued to live with her for 3 more years, watching her date others and dating others myself eventually, each of us being both a person we cared about deeply and the thorn in the other’s side preventing each of us from moving forward.

In my last year and a half or so of living with her, I studied pick-up and social dynamics, dated and learned a lot about myself and the flaws in my views on relationships and sex. With each relationship, I learned something about myself and my actual desires vs. those things that I was conditioned to want. By the time I met my current girlfriend, I had finally recovered much of my identity and had a clear view of who I was and what I wanted. I was at last able to be straightforward and honest in my intentions and desires. I met a girl who wanted me for who I was and vice versa. She was unreasonably tolerant as I went through a long-overdue and dramatic separation from my ex-girlfriend.

This girl and I are now going on 3 years together (over 2 years living together) in a relationship built on honesty, trust, and mutual support. This past year, we have been exploring polyamory together. She is pansexual and polyamorous by nature; she has a lot of love to give. I am finally coming to terms with my bisexuality and am not entirely inclined toward polyamory (though there may be components of cuckold fetishism and/or desires for group play lurking). Slowly but surely, I’m navigating my way through the jealousy and worry that I experience when it comes to her involvement with others, and am now able to feel happiness (compersion) for her positive relationship developments. I’m also finding now that I have the comfort and will to explore other relationships for myself including those with other men. I’m working quickly towards consistency in these feelings as I still am prone to fall into occasional worry and doubt.

For my part, I persist because I am incredibly happy with her. Unlike past experiences, I don’t feel as though I’m torturing myself. I know I’m loved. I have constant reassurance that I’m wanted. Sex is still fun and fantastic. My occasional moments of worry, jealousy, and doubt do not even approach a challenge to my overall happiness. I have a friend and lover who I trust completely and who reciprocates that trust. I couldn’t ask for more from her, and indeed our relationship is open to the possibility of experiencing the same many times over with other people. Things can only get more interesting.