Responsibility and Blame
Every adult is responsible for him or herself.
This is a core concept for me in and out of relationships. In my first serious relationship it was the most important thing I learned from my partner, though I didn’t fully grasp the concept at the time. I plumbed the depths of self-denial for some time and enjoyed co-dependence for a spell before understanding personal responsibility.
In a relationship of any kind (friendship included) the individuals are the only people who can ensure that their needs and wants are met. Only we know precisely what we need and want and we must be advocates for ourselves.
If everyone is responsible for him or herself, there is no one to blame. One-sided rules governing relationship partners or acts allow the party who creates the rule to avoid responsibility and the party who breaks the rule to take on all the blame. In the case of fair, mutually agreed-upon rules (ones where both parties are actually in agreement with the underlying principle) these rules are okay. One-sided rules can be used as temporary stepping stones to allow the more uncomfortable partner to come to terms with his or her emotions. Very often, however, I’m seeing rules that are imposed by a single individual or agreed upon entirely for the comfort of one of the individuals, putting the other into discomfort. Here are some rules I’ve seen discussed in /r/polyamory and my thoughts on how I think they’re broken:
- The One Penis Policy (OPP) - This policy demands that the male portion of the couple be in possession of the only penis. In my relationship, this “rule” was offered to me by my girlfriend to allow me a limited time to become more comfortable with the possibility of her dating a man. This rule is sexist and unfair. It’s generally seen in couplings with a straight male and a bisexual female.
- Veto power - Ability to veto one’s partner’s choice of other partner. Perhaps alright at the beginning of a new relationship before any feelings are at stake, but in general unreasonable to all parties involved. At what stage in a relationship do you draw the line? How much trust do you have for your partner to choose an acceptable other partner?
- No love - A person can have a relationship with whomever he/she chooses, but cannot fall in love. This is not polyamory (multiple loves). For those who are polyamorous, I also think it’s impossible to enforce. How do you stop yourself from falling in love with someone you like?
- Unicorn policy - A couple can only experience an additional relationship in the form of a third member who participates with both members of the existing couple. This can be unfair to the third party who may be expected to have equal affection for both members of the couple, be considered of less importance than the existing members, or have no other ties outside the triad.
There are probably more, but these ones have bothered me the most. Even while participating in the One Penis Policy, I recognized its unfairness and sexism and worked hard at understanding my emotions so that I could move beyond the need for it.
