Special
The thing that upsets me the most about being poly is the fact that I don’t feel special to my partner(s). Since they all have other partners, it feels to me like I’m just another person they spend time with. I’m not saying that these relationships aren’t meaningful or don’t have depth; quite the contrary, I think the relationship I’m (sort of) in right now is becoming one of the more meaningful relationships I’ve ever had. But at the same time, it doesn’t feel unique. I don’t feel like our relationship is any more meaningful to my partner than those of any of the other people she’s with.
Does that make sense? Any advice on how to look at this from a different perspective?
I’m no authority and my existing partner and I haven’t even gotten super deep into poly. That said, I certainly know how you feel. My monogamous conditioning would dictate that the uniqueness is ultimately defined by the choice you both made to be with one another to the exclusion of others. Ideally, one would have more depth than that in monogamy, but polyamory actually requires some other means of determining uniqueness.
As I see it, there’s no single tangible element you can point to and say “this is what makes us a unique couple,” but rather your whole relationship with each person is as unique as the individuals involved. Likewise, their relationships with others are as unique as the individuals involved. What drew you to them? What drew them to you?
There’s nothing wrong with sticking to a pattern that works, but when seeking another relationship I know my partner is not looking for a replacement for me. When she’s looking for apocryph, she gets apocryph. Though I haven’t done much seeking of my own yet, I’m also definitely not looking for a carbon-copy of my relationship with my existing partner. If I dated people who were all the same, how would I learn and grow and experience new things? Sure, there will be overlap—I will experience things in other relationships that I could have experienced in my existing one, and my partners will ideally have things in common— but these will still be unique relationships.
As for meaning, in my mind each relationship is meaningful because it is unique. If nothing set it apart from the other relationships it would lack anything to define it as separate. That which sets it apart just can’t necessarily be expressed as a single quality or attribute any more than you can reduce the whole of your identity to a single statement.
Edit: I’m not sure if it’s where you were headed, but it could be problematic if you’re thinking of “special” as meaning “better than all the others.” A certain relationship needn’t necessarily be better but it can and should be special because of the people and experiences involved. “Special” doesn’t mean “better”, it means “distinct” or “unique”.
